National Adoption Week

Posted on October 24th, 2025

Challenging the 'Last Resort' Myth and Embracing the Real Heart of Adoption

I had to excuse myself from the conversation. My friend was chatting with someone she hadn't seen in a while, and the familiar question came up: "Are you still trying for a baby?"

"Yes, but with no joy," came the response. "We're going to try one more round of IVF."

My friend, an adopter herself, gently suggested, "Have you thought about adoption?"

The reply hit me like a physical blow: "Briefly, but that's a last resort."

I quietly slipped away, my heart breaking. Because in that moment, I heard my own story: and the stories of thousands of adopted children across the UK: reduced to someone's "last resort." The weight of those words still sits heavy with me.

As National Adoption Week 2025 unfolds this week (October 20-26), with its theme "A Welcome Home," I can't help but reflect on how far we've come: and how much further we need to go in changing these deeply ingrained perceptions about adoption.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Adoption Attitudes

That conversation wasn't an isolated incident. It reflects a broader societal attitude that continues to position adoption as a consolation prize rather than a conscious choice to build a family. The latest Adoption Barometer 2025 figures underline the reality for adoptees and adoptive families across the UK:

• 42% of established adoptive families are facing severe challenges
• 90% of adopted young people say they have sought help for their mental health
• Fewer than half (47%) of adult adoptees felt well supported when seeking to access help
• Only two thirds (66%) of adoptive parents say they feel optimistic about their family’s future
• 84% of parents say their adopted child needs more support in school than their peers
• 65% of parents report violence in the home due to their child’s difficulties in regulating emotions/actions from trauma
• More than half (57%) of adult adoptees do not feel they have the information they need about their early lives
• 25% of adult adoptees had diagnoses or treatment delayed due to lack of medical history
• 71% of new adopters agreed the approvals process prepared them well
• 79% agreed that core adoption support (training/advice) had a positive impact
• 85% of adopters said support funded by the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund was positive.

These attitudes don't exist in a vacuum. They're reinforced every time someone asks a couple "when are you going to have kids of your own?" as if adopted children are somehow less legitimate. They're perpetuated when fertility struggles are met with sympathetic understanding while adoption is treated as settling for second best.

Why Do People Still Hesitate?

The hesitation around adoption stems from multiple sources, many rooted in outdated misconceptions and societal stigma that refuse to die. There's the persistent myth that you need to be wealthy, married, and living in a picture-perfect home with a white picket fence. There's the fear that adopted children come with insurmountable challenges, that trauma is inevitable and impossible to heal from.

Some people worry about the unknown: medical histories, genetic backgrounds, the complexities of potential ongoing relationships with birth families. Others fear they won't feel the same connection to a child who doesn't share their DNA, or that somehow their love will be questioned or seen as less authentic.

But underneath all these practical concerns lies something deeper: the societal narrative that positions adoption as what you do when "normal" family building fails. This narrative suggests that biological parenthood is the gold standard, and everything else is a compromise.

The reality painted by this year's "A Welcome Home" campaign tells a different story entirely. It celebrates "perfectly imperfect" homes: spaces where love, security, consistency, and belonging matter far more than pristine conditions or biological connections.

The Hidden Impact of "Last Resort" Language

What gets lost in these conversations is the profound impact this language has on those of us who were adopted. When adoption is framed as a last resort, it sends a message that we: the children at the heart of these decisions: are somehow less desirable, less wanted, less worthy of being someone's first choice.

I grew up being told I was "chosen." My adopters also had a biological child. And yet, despite the "chosen" story, I have often felt like the last resort—like love arrived after other doors had closed. Naming that honestly matters, because many adoptees carry that quiet ache even in loving families.

But for too many adoptees, the "last resort" narrative becomes internalised. We grow up believing we were someone's Plan B, that our families settled for us rather than celebrating us. This can create lasting impacts on self-worth, identity formation, and our understanding of love and belonging.

When society treats adoption as a failure of Plan A rather than a valid Plan A in its own right, it diminishes not just the process but the people it creates. Every time someone describes adoption as their "last resort," they're unknowingly telling adopted individuals that we represent defeat rather than joy, compromise rather than choice.

Reframing the Narrative: Adoption as Intentional Love

The truth about modern adoption is far more beautiful than the "last resort" narrative suggests. Today's adoptive families are making intentional, considered choices about how they want to build their families. Many could pursue biological parenthood but choose adoption because they feel called to provide homes for children who need them.

The families featured in this year's National Adoption Week campaign: including familiar faces like Prue Leith: represent this intentional approach. They're not showcasing perfect homes or perfect people, but rather real families who chose love over biology, who prioritized belonging over bloodlines.

These families understand what the research confirms: successful adoption isn't about having the perfect home: it's about having the perfect amount of love, commitment, and willingness to support a child through their journey. It's about recognising that trauma-informed parenting isn't a burden but a superpower, that helping a child heal and thrive is one of the most meaningful things any parent can do.

Across the UK, adoption leaders acknowledge that most adopters feel that way at some point. Feeling unsure is normal. What matters is moving past those concerns to see adoption for what it truly is: a deliberate, powerful way to create families built on intention rather than accident, choice rather than biology.

Creating Space for Different Paths

What if, instead of positioning adoption as what happens when fertility treatments fail, we presented it as one of several equally valid paths to parenthood? What if adoption agencies were as visible and accessible as fertility clinics? What if society celebrated chosen families with the same enthusiasm as biological ones?

This isn't about dismissing the grief that comes with fertility challenges: that pain is real and valid. But it's about expanding our definition of family building to include multiple paths from the beginning, rather than arranging them in a hierarchy of preference.

The children waiting for families don't need to be anyone's last resort. They need to be someone's intentional choice, someone's deliberate decision to create a family through love rather than genetics.

A Call for Compassionate Conversations

As this National Adoption Week continues, I'm asking for more thoughtful conversations about family building. Instead of asking couples when they're going to "have kids of their own," we could ask about their family plans: leaving room for all the different ways families can be created.

Instead of treating adoption as what happens after everything else fails, we could present it as one of many beautiful ways to become parents. Instead of pitying those who "can't have biological children," we could celebrate those who choose to provide homes for children who need them.

The language we use matters. The assumptions we make matter. The stories we tell about adoption and adoptees matter: because they shape not just how society views us, but how we view ourselves.

This National Adoption Week, let's challenge ourselves to move beyond the "last resort" mentality. Let's celebrate the intentional love that creates adoptive families. And let's recognise that in a world where children need homes, choosing to adopt isn't settling for less: it's choosing to be more.

Because every child deserves to be someone's first choice, someone's intentional decision, someone's celebration rather than consolation. And every adoptive family deserves to be seen not as people who couldn't have "real" children, but as people who chose love in its most intentional form.

The heart of adoption isn't about what you can't do: it's about what you choose to do. And that choice deserves our respect, our admiration, and our support.

If you're considering adoption, know that you're not settling for a consolation prize: you're choosing one of the most intentional, powerful ways to build a family. And if you're part of the adoption community already, know that your story matters, your family is real, and your love is just as valid as any other.

For more information about adoption, or to explore how you might provide a "welcome home" for a child in need, visit your local adoption agency or learn more about Susan Vickers Foundation.