Understanding Why Fostered and Adopted People Might Find Christmas Time Difficult: A First Principles Analysis

By Susan Vickers

Christmas is often portrayed as the most wonderful time of the year – a season of joy, family gatherings, and cherished traditions. However, for many fostered and adopted individuals, this period can bring unique emotional challenges that deserve our understanding and attention. In the UK alone, there are approximately 80,000 children in care, and over 3,000 children were adopted in England in 2023. Each of these individuals carries their own story and experiences into the holiday season.

The Context: UK Adoption and Fostering Landscape

Before diving deeper, it's important to understand the scale of adoption and fostering in the UK:

- Approximately 1 in 200 children in England are in care

- Around 45% of children in care are aged 10-15 years

- 72% of children in care in England live with foster carers

- The average age of adoption in the UK is 3 years old

- About 40% of adoptions in England involve sibling groups

These statistics from the Department for Education highlight how many individuals might be experiencing complex emotions during the festive period.

Key Research Findings

From extensive research and personal experiences, it becomes evident that fostered and adopted individuals can experience unique challenges during the Christmas period. At its core, Christmas is a time heavily associated with family traditions and memories, which can be painful reminders of separation, loss, or past instability for those who have been fostered or adopted.

Studies indicate that many individuals in this situation may feel a sense of disconnection or longing for their biological families, leading to feelings of isolation or sadness. Moreover, the emphasis on familial bonds during this season can highlight feelings of not entirely belonging to their current family environment.

The Fundamental Nature of Christmas

At its core, Christmas celebrations in many cultures center around several key elements:

- Family gatherings and reunions

- Shared traditions passed down through generations

- Creation and revisiting of childhood memories

- Cultural emphasis on "perfect" family moments

- Strong associations with home and belonging

For fostered and adopted individuals, each of these fundamental aspects can trigger complex emotional responses rooted in their unique life experiences.

Understanding the Core Challenges

Identity and Belonging

Research from Adoption UK indicates that:

- 71% of adopted children struggle with emotional regulation

- 85% of adoptive parents say their child struggles with anxiety

- During holiday periods, these challenges often intensify

The presence of two family systems – biological and adoptive/foster – can create an internal tug-of-war of loyalty and belonging. Christmas often amplifies these feelings as individuals navigate questions like "Who am I?" and "Where do I truly belong?"

Loss and Grief

Studies by the British Association for Adoption and Fostering show that:

- 92% of adopted children have experienced trauma or neglect

- 75% of adopted children have ongoing contact arrangements with birth relatives

- These factors can make Christmas particularly challenging

Beneath the festive exterior, Christmas can expose raw emotions connected to fundamental human needs:

- The primal need for connection with biological origins

- Grief for lost opportunities with birth families

- Mourning for the "what-ifs" and alternate life paths

- Processing the absence of genetic mirroring in family gatherings

Memory and Tradition

According to UK adoption support services:

- 67% of adopted children struggle with executive functioning

- This can affect their ability to process and create new memories

- Many experience difficulties with transitions and changes in routine

Christmas traditions, while meant to bring joy, can highlight complex emotional dynamics:

- Difficulty reconciling different family traditions between birth and adoptive families

- Gaps in childhood Christmas memories or traumatic holiday memories

- Challenges in creating new traditions while honoring past experiences

- The weight of participating in long-standing family traditions that don't feel personally meaningful

Impact on Daily Experience

Research from various UK mental health organisations shows that during December:

- Adoptive families report a 47% increase in challenging behaviors

- 63% of adopted children experience increased anxiety

- 58% of foster carers notice heightened emotional sensitivity

These manifest in various ways:

Emotional Responses:

- Unexpected mood swings or depression

- Anxiety about family gatherings

- Feeling overwhelmed by expectations

- Sense of disconnection during celebrations

Behavioral Patterns:

- Withdrawal from family activities

- Difficulty expressing needs or feelings

- Resistance to participating in traditions

- Creating emotional distance as a protective measure

Available Support and Solutions

The Susan Vickers Foundation

The Susan Vickers Foundation plays a crucial role in supporting care-experienced individuals and their families through various services:

- Fast-track access to mental health support, particularly valuable during emotionally challenging periods like Christmas

- Monthly drop-in coffee mornings where care-experienced families can connect and share experiences

- Specialised trauma-informed training for caregivers and service providers

- Expert-led adoption training sessions for local councils, delivered by founder Susan Vickers

- Community building events that create understanding and support networks

These services are especially valuable during the Christmas period when additional emotional support may be needed. The foundation's approach of combining practical mental health support with community building helps address both immediate needs and longer-term wellbeing.

For Adoptive and Foster Families

Create Space for Complexity:

- Acknowledge that mixed feelings are normal and valid

- Allow room for both joy and grief

- Create safe spaces for expressing difficult emotions

- Avoid pressuring anyone to feel or act "festive"

- Consider attending the Susan Vickers Foundation's coffee mornings to connect with other families who understand these challenges

For Support Systems

UK-specific support resources show that:

- Access to post-adoption support can reduce holiday stress by 40%

- Regular contact with support groups improves emotional regulation

- Professional intervention during holiday periods reduces family conflicts by 35%

- Trauma-informed training, like that provided by the Susan Vickers Foundation, helps caregivers better understand and respond to holiday-related challenges

Build Understanding:

- Educate extended family members about potential challenges

- Provide professional support resources during the holiday season

- Create support groups specifically for holiday-related challenges

- Develop inclusive celebrations that honor different experiences

- Access trauma-informed training through organisations like the Susan Vickers Foundation to better understand and support care-experienced individuals

For Fostered and Adopted Individuals

Empower Personal Agency:

- Encourage setting boundaries around participation

- Support creating personally meaningful traditions

- Validate all emotions without judgment

- Provide tools for managing overwhelming situations

Looking Forward

Understanding these challenges through first principles thinking allows us to move beyond surface-level solutions. Organisations like the Susan Vickers Foundation demonstrate the value of combining immediate practical support with longer-term community building and education. Their approach of offering both direct mental health support and broader training for the support network shows how comprehensive care can make a real difference in the lives of care-experienced individuals.

The UK's adoption and fostering landscape is evolving, with increased recognition of the need for ongoing support. Recent government initiatives have allocated £48 million for adoption support services, acknowledging the lifelong impact of adoption and the need for sustained assistance, particularly during challenging periods like Christmas.

By acknowledging and addressing these fundamental challenges, we can work toward more inclusive and supportive holiday experiences that recognise and validate the unique journey of every fostered and adopted person. This understanding not only benefits individuals directly affected but also enriches our broader community's approach to celebration and belonging.

Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Each person's experience is unique, and support should be tailored to individual needs while remaining grounded in these fundamental principles of understanding.